Where's the HYPE? Part 1 of an ongoing series

I just checked my alarm clock. Yep, we’re less than 24 hours from USA-Mexico, and the only mainstream promotion I’ve seen for this match so far is a slick, 15-second spot in between SportsCenters while jogging at the gym Saturday morning.

Really?

I thought this was a serious rivalry. Wait, it is. Especially this time around, because it’s a World Cup Qualifier and not just an obligatory friendly.

Apparently, no one at U.S. Soccer or ESPN got the memo. Either that, or they misplaced it.* I work in an office. It happens.

(* Just like I misplaced the "not" before "just" in the fourth paragraph. I've since edited it. To anyone who caught it the first time around: leave a comment, and I'll give you big ups in a future post. Honest.)

But this is a big memo. If there’s a bone I’ll pick all the way to the grave, it’s that the people in charge of American soccer – from the head honchos at U.S. Soccer all the way down – have total ineptitude when it comes to promoting the beautiful game. It’s soccer, guys (and gals), not soapbox derbies or ostrich racing. Sheesh.

And I could’ve sworn myself wrong when I received a tidy little Myspace message encouraging supporters to wear red at the match. What’s this? Maybe the Yanks would break out those awesome “Don’t Tread on Me” jerseys they found themselves kitted out in – of all matches – a friendly against Latvia* prior to the 2006 World Cup.

(*I actually went to this match – my very first US MNT match – and my mom purchased the limited edition red jersey for my birthday. God, I love that jersey. If it were possible to have a crush on a piece of sports apparel, I’d ask that thing out on a date for Saturday night. Gorgeous. The kind of beauty you'd show off in front of friends and jealous enemies alike.)

But, there appears to be little evidence to support the use of the red DTOM jersey, which is another clear indication that suits at U.S. Soccer don’t get it.

For American soccer fans, there are three certainties in life. Death. Taxes. USA-Mexico. God bless the Spanish-American War, NAFTA, and that Taco Bell chihuahua. So why doesn’t the federation go out of its way to promote the heck out of it?

Here’s some free advice: keep that glossy 15-second commercial. I like that. But make more of them. My pulse raced and adrenaline spiked every time I saw it while running on the treadmill.*

(*I’ve discovered through three years of treadmill hopping and the seven occasions in which I’ve watched the US Men’s National Team while on said machine that the two go together like Doritos and soda. Starburst and Sprite. Popcorn and chili powder.)

However, let’s take it a step further. Actually, few steps further.

The idea of the red Don't Tread on Me jersey for USA-Mexico matches would be a great way to ante up the rivalry, no? Why the heck not? It’s an event - an event that we American soccer fans are rarely afforded in a culture dominated by American football, the NFL, and American football. So, please, to the powers that be, USA-Mexico would be the perfect opportunity to break out the “Don’t Tread On Me” jerseys. Reinforce the idea that this is a big deal. It sends a clear message to the Mexicans that you don’t know who you’re messing with. Attitude. I like it. Now run with it.

Another idea: I say the Sam’s Army section at every USA-Mexico match has discounted admission. Like, a paper Lincoln per seat. I want to see hordes of American soccer get buck in there. I want bedlam. I want to see a tidal wave of red in that section. I want chicks in red bras to…oh wait, sorry.

Speaking of bras – I want Brandi Chastain there. She’s a great sideline reporter. I love her insights. Okay, I admit, this is probably due to the fact that my mom loves her. But almost every American knows/remembers who she is. A little star power wouldn’t hurt.

Lastly – although I’ve got many more suggestions – shouldn’t we get some live reports from each camp in the 72 hours leading up to this? Isn’t that what major events like the U.S. Open, major BCS bowls, and rivalry matches across the spectrum receive?

I know that’s the media’s job. But really, if ESPN is so intent on increasing its coverage of soccer – see the Spanish, English and Mexican league scores now featured on the ESPN Bottom Line – why doesn’t U.S. Soccer push for live updates to be featured on the 6pm SportsCenters? It would be foolish to say that there isn’t an audience for this – a 90-minute sellout seems to support the idea that a lot of people are a lot more interested in this than say, I don’t know, the endless blabber that gets broadcast on the station between 4:30 and 6:00pm. Somebody give me a Vicodin.

Okay, it’s obvious I’m getting emotional here. But I can’t help it. I’ve had the date circled on my 2009 MLS calendar since January 1. My red “Don’t Tread On Me” jersey awaits on my door knob, ready for action come Wednesday.

USA-Mexico. This is a big deal. So why won’t U.S. Soccer treat it that way?

How the Revs can overcome LWR* (*Life without Ralston)

You may not have liked my previous post. It essentially spelled doom for the Revolution. Let me say I didn't enjoy writing it. Negative posts are not my forte'. So after I awakened on this bright and sunny New England morning, with beautiful colors splashed on the trees and my cat meowing with delight, I decided I'd infuse some positive thought here.

Gas is back under three bucks. Yummy pumpkin-flavored doughnuts and muffins are back at Dunkin. The Sox are positioning themselves for another come-from-behind series victory against the Rays.

Ahhhh...there we go.

With pleasant joy now flowing through my veins, I decided that the Revolution can overcome the loss of their prolific skipper. They can. Believe me.

Now, it won't be easy. But anything that is worth having is never easy.*

(*Or something to that effect. I forget which movie that's from.)

After donning the thinking cap for a few minutes, I've discovered a few possibilities that Steve Nicol could entertain for his starting XI WITHOUT sacrificing the beloved 3-5-2.

Ready? Here we go.

---Reis---
Albright-Parkhurst-Heaps
Nyassi-Larentowicz-Badilla-Joseph-Smith
Dube-Twellman

Okay, I cheated. This was the formation Nicol went with after Ralston was cruelly dispatched by Hercules Gomez. This version - to put it mildy - didn't apply itself very well. It provided stale entertainment for those wearing Revolution scarves in front of the telly. If it were a movie, it would have received two stars, which, according to my local paper, is flick worthy of the "more downs than ups" classification.

Let's try this one...

---Reis---
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Nyassi-Larentowicz-Joseph-Parkhurst-Smith
Dube-Twellman

Yeah, that's right. Parkhurst in the midfield. There's precedent for it. In this circumstance, I believe that with Shalrie as the attacking mid, a role which he's been known to do a fair impression of at times, the attack is livelier. As lively as with Ralston? Heck, no. But that's a given. Whatever pathetic formation I may list without Ralston in the mix is not going to perform better. We must accept this as an undeniable and inalienable truth, my friends.

Another...

---Reis---
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Nyassi-Larentowicz-Igwe-Joseph-Smith
Dube-Twellman

Yeah, that's right. I went there. I put Igwe in Ralston's role. What are you going to do - tell? It's kinda crazy, I admit, but these are thinning times. We must cut the fat. We cannot simply throw money at the situation, hoping it will get better. We have to discover more forms of reneweable energy. We must lessen our dependency on foreign oil...*

(*Heh. Wrong blog. Sorry.)

Next to last - I promise...

---Reis---
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Nyassi-Larentowicz-Albright-Joseph-Smith
Dube-Twellman

Why do I like Albright in the middle here? For the very same reason why I like my oatmeal lumpy - I just don't know. There's no supporting evidence that it tastes better lumpy than smooth. Nor is there any proof that Abright, a forward-turned-defender, would rouse the lads to goals unlimited. But, with Igwe on the left, the attack adds another dimension when he, as he so often likes to do, goes forward. In fact, I'll say it for the record - this club is better on the attack* with Igwe on the pitch.

(*I said "on the attack," which is not synonymous with "back defending." Those are two entirely different things.)

Finally...

---Reis---
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Nyassi-Larentowicz-Mansally-Joseph-Smith
Dube-Twellman

Again, it's just another option. Options are usually good - except when they multiply like rabbits and morph into Cheesecake Factory menus. I've never seen Mansally act as an attacking mid - in fact, for this finale, I briefly contemplated placing Khano in the middle, Igwe on the left flank, and Dube paired with Mansally up front. But I thought such an idea was far too groundbreaking for our brains in the year 2008.

If these incredibly hazardous ideas illustrate anything, it's the vast importance of Ralston to this team. All of the above hypotheticals are really just bandages - none of them address the actual wound. But until someone can discover a superfast cloning scheme to bring about a Ralston clone* to pose as a remarkably-healed Ralston- after all, they can't bring in someone new thanks to the roster freeze - this team will be less formidable without the MLS Ironman man they call Steve Ralston.

(*...ah, forget it. Just too many variables. Ethical, moral and legal ramifications. The nature vs. nurture argument. The possibility of another Chuck Norris lookalike when Ralston's clone grows a beard. The list goes on.)

By the way, that high pitched whistling sound, accompanied by sudden crashing noise, you just heard? That was your I.Q. dropping 20 points.




Sorry.


I'll be making my way now...