Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Failure Cookie Theory

So with the 0-1 result behind us, I can only ascertain as to what may have caused the Revs, who had more scoring chances yesterday than Colin Farrell at Guiness-sponsored afterparty, to come up empty-handed, or should I say, empty-footed (-5 IQ points).

The Chinese presented us with the wisdom and guidance of the ancient fortune cookie. This wafer of a cookie, containing within it a specific and unique fortune to each individual that unlocks its mystical acumen, has been regarded in some circles as the be-all, end-all of good fortune.

I present to you, my dear readers - all eight of you - the failure cookie, and the accompanying theory of. Unlike its fortuitous counterpart, there is no message of enlightenment contained within this cookie. Rather, it is just your simple, run of the mill cookie - at first glance. Its disguise is ingenious, as it blends well in with other non-descript and powerless cookies. Now before you laugh, then ask for a urine sample, I implore you to hear me out.

The failure cookie itself is a magically delicious shortbread baked morsel that is so tasteful and rich that, upon first bite, one may wonder whether these cookies were, perhaps, created in Heaven. This is the first sign of its enormous power - the ability to decieve the consumer. They are so delicately scrumptious that the potential danger in these alleged-heavenly charms is often masked. That being said, I give you my testament to these powerfully corrupt cookies.

Saturday, October 21 - Providence, RI. The Richmond Ged Sox (yes, GED SOX) baseball team prepares for battle in Game 7 of...of...whatever league we play in to which we will become champions should we win this game. Our captain, Jesse Lee, had told us that we will "romp" all over our unworthy opponent, $haus (or The $haus). However, no less than five minutes after his pre-game address, a female fan of ours presented us with delightful lemon-creme shortbread cookies, which were quickly dispersed among each player. As we consumed these cookies, Jesse rhetorically asked upon his 2nd cookie, "Where did these cookies come from? Heaven?" (Cue the obligatory sound of thunder when such ominous comments are made prior to an unfavorable outcome).

Though heavily favored, we lost the game, 11-7. I myself, after digesting a pair of these so-called heavenly wafers, proceeded to go 0 for 5, with three strikeouts. This is the only occurence I've ever struck out three times in a game, nevermind been held completely hitless. At a loss for the unexplainable result, I later conceive that it must have been something that took place prior to the game that jinxed us and tilted the scales out of our favor prior the game. Something out of the realm of common understanding. Something...something like...cursed cookies, or failure cookies, if you will. Yes, this was the only plausible explanation for our soured efforts Saturday afternoon. Of this, I am convinced.

Now translating that to what happened Sunday afternoon in Bridgeview, IL, with the Revs on an unbeaten streak (5-0-2 in the previous seven matches) heading into the match, it would be safe to say that their shortcoming can only be attributed to shortbread. Cursed shortbread, that is. Although I cannot confirm that any player actually consumed the variety of cookie in question, I can only speculate this as the reasoning for the loss after I myself was hexed by the damned delight this weekend.

With that, I feel confident our lads will attain the necessary goals required for advancement come Saturday night...

...so long as they away from any pre-game cookies.

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